I'm feeling overwhelmed right now
I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately.
The broken arm on my desk chair remains unfixed. My bed remains unmade. A simple happy birthday message from my uncle remains unacknowledged.
Each of these tasks is simple and only takes a minute, so why am I finding them to be so overwhelming? Let's look at some of the possible reasons why.
Work
My job feels like my biggest source of overwhelm right now. In the last couple of weeks, I picked up more tasks than I could handle and it ended up creating a bottleneck for the team. As a result, my team delivered significantly less work than normal.
You see, both of the tasks I was supposed to complete were blocking everyone else. One of the tasks ended up taking significantly longer than it was supposed to for a variety of reasons, including me having been given the wrong information. The other task is more like 100 tiny tasks rolled into one: just lots of little tweaks to make to documents and details to check with someone who may respond instantly or in three business days. My team has been reasonably supportive and helpful where they could, but they're also swamped with work themselves.
We've also had a lot of change at work recently with a company restructure and various departures from the team. In addition, I've spent a lot of time in meetings that are unrelated to our team's current goals.
Another thing that's always on my mind is how I live far away from my office. I have to get a train up there and stay in a hotel overnight at my own expense. We've been having more meetings in the office lately than I originally agreed to, but I am contracted to work from that location, so I have to put up with it. I'd love to get a job closer to home but there simply aren't any right now. And if there were, I don't have the capacity right now to compete against 200 other people for a chance at it1.
And yet, I wonder if - organisational issues aside - some of these outcomes are actually a symptom of an underlying problem rather than a cause. In other words, maybe the other sources of overwhelm in my life are causing a knock-on effect here.
Increased screen time and decreased sleep
Although my phone's screen time has decreased this week, in the past few weeks it was particularly bad. Blocking Reddit, Hacker News, Lemmy, and even LinkedIn completely on my phone brought my screen time down from about eight hours a day to less than two.
However, a lot of this browsing has shifted to my laptop, where I don't have any such restrictions. I did experiment with similar restrictions on my laptop but found it much easier to get around them. If anything I spent more time on those sites when they were a forbidden fruit.
Not using leisure time effectively
This kind of ties in with the increased screen time above. I tend to use screens all day, from the moment I get up to the moment I go to sleep. When I finish work for the day, I'll go and have dinner, and then when I come back I'll swap my work laptop for my personal one and use it until the early hours of the morning. It's not healthy. I need some kind of hobby or interest to occupy my time.
I can't remember the last time I even watched a film or played a video game. So, while some will consider these to be cheap sources of dopamine, I think letting my hair down and having some fun is in order.
Negative content in the media
Despite my best efforts to curate my feeds and the websites I visit, I'm still subjected to an awful lot of negativity, especially online. For every happy post there are at least two negative ones, and even on pages specifically meant for positive content, people still manage to inform you of a terrible situation that until now you had no idea even existed.
With climate change, rising authoritarianism, and the decline of human rights around the world, things can seem really bleak right now for some - at least in my part of the world. There have been some specific stories in the media lately that have really gotten me down, and I think understandably so.
I tried to make a positive difference by donating to charities which aim to address some of these issues, but I'm finding the constant letters they send asking for money are painful reminders of the reality of life for some of the less fortunate members of our society.
I also joined a political party that I feel will make a positive difference towards these issues. Fortunately, their message is one of hope, and so in this regard their communications are at least a little more positive. But it's still a reminder that those of us on the right side of history don't appear to be winning right now. The volume of emails is another thing. Keeping up with the emails could be a full time job, let alone actually getting actively involved with the party, which I have yet to do.
Silent to-do list
In addition to the mountain of unread emails and physical letters I touched on earlier, I also have literally hundreds of unread books (physical and digital), hundreds of articles saved to read later, and 100 YouTube videos to watch later.
This used to be a bigger issue in the past than it has been lately, but I think it must still have some effect. Often when I pick up a book or magazine to read, I struggle to get into reading that particular title because I'm thinking about all the other titles I have yet to read.
Right now I also have 23 tabs open in my browser2, 41 unread emails, and an ever-growing stack of physical post that needs dealing with. There are charities to donate to, magazines to read, an AGM to attend (or at least, I have to decide how I want a nominated proxy voter to vote on each of the motions on my behalf).
Lack of physical space and personal space
I'm quite fortunate in many ways to live with my parents, and I have a decent sized bedroom. Nonetheless, I'm around my family pretty much 24/7, even if they're in another room most of the time. I'm subjected to all of their issues and complaining constantly (on top of my own!), and while I can offer them some level of comfort, I'm pretty powerless to solve their specific issues (mostly relating to their elderly parents).
I also can't be myself around my parents, for reasons which I won't get too far into. I love them dearly, but they're a lot more socially conservative than they let on.
There are also practical concerns. As much as I'd like to keep clutter to a minimum, over the years I've acquired more and more physical belongings and so I need more space to put it in. Currently I'm having to store pretty much all of my belongings in the same room I sleep and work in. Every storage space is full and so I have to shift things around between my bed, my desk chair, and my floor.
Buying a house
Which brings me neatly on to the search for my own space! I'm in the early stages of finding a house to purchase. I've already viewed a number of properties already, most of which I felt weren't quite suitable or were too expensive, so I'm planning to view some more. All I have to do is pick up the phone to the estate agent and arrange some more viewings (okay, and book some time off work to attend said viewings), and yet, it's become this herculean task.
I should be excited about it, especially as home ownership is such a privilege in our modern world. But as much as it may be the solution to many of my biggest problems, it's also a huge undertaking and a huge responsibility.
I'm wanting to move to a new city, not far from my current town, but just far enough away to be my own person. The issue is, since I don't drive, it's a real hassle to get to these house viewings.
Health issues
I also have a problem with my nose (and ear) which I think is affecting my ability to sleep well. I'm on a waiting list for a referral to an ENT, but it's been months and I still haven't heard anything. I've been told it could be many months more before I'm seen.
I've also been wondering if many of my issues with overwhelm, specifically as it pertains to work, might be caused by neurodivergence, chiefly ADHD. Getting a referral and actually being seen by a specialist is a huge undertaking these days. So, much like buying a house, it might be a real weight off my shoulders, but to get to that point, I'd have to undertake a lot of work for which I don't have the capacity right now.
Conclusion
Writing this blog post has made me realise that there is indeed quite a lot on my plate right now, but I also feel that it's helped me make sense of what I need to do. There was a lot of doom and gloom in this post so I want to finish by taking a positive action, even if I don't quite know how to tackle all of this.
I'll start by closing the unnecessary tabs and then coming off the computer. I'll get ready for bed, tidy away the stuff that's currently on my bed, and maybe that will help me to build momentum for one or two other small tasks (but it's late so I will take it easy).
Work is not something that I can put off, but getting a good night's sleep could make all the difference. The emails, books, and letters can wait. They're not important right now.
One job I applied to a few years ago had over 750 applicants. Also, I estimate that my current job might have had over 1000 applicants (although there were 10-15 positions going).↩
This may not sound like much to some, but for me, if not all of my open tabs fit on the screen at once, then I have too many tabs open.↩